If not, prepare for a long gay rant LOL!
I know my sister is prejudiced. I’ve known this for a long time, but it still hurts.
She used to stand for the True Finns, the extremist movement against gays, immigrants and EU among other things. Her ability to swallow those values created a fence between us. Looking back now I can see that we lived already in different worlds. The values that I have for the equality and acceptance or just plainly being open-minded have nothing in common with the True Finns.. When my sister was still together with her hubby, she seemed to be against everything. Her heightened criticality was induced by this manipulative brain-washing partner. For a long time I hoped to talk to her about my feelings, but knew she wouldn't approve of them.. and I don’t want any part of myself to repulse her. If necessary, that part of myself shall be kept hidden.
Regardless these feelings of unbreakable fence, things have improved since the breakup of his bf. Now that she is free, we have started to communicate after a long break. She felt like a stranger first, but right now I feel we’ve managed to establish that long lost relationship again. Even if it’s not the same as before, we’ve become quite close again. Besides changes are to be expected. We’ve both grown up and built up our own world views and ideologies. They no longer are the ones of our parents and the odds are; they're different.
One of the issues in which we differ a lot is the relationship to gay community. I came out to her about 4 years ago. Her reaction was quite neutral, but still left me a tad puzzled. She said that it was ok to her, but because of the unfamiliarity, the thought is weird. Even if her response was mainly positive, I was still a bit sad for the small negative part. The fact that she felt uncomfortable of it in any way left me disappointed. I thought that of all the people my sister would be the most accepting one.
I have not brought up these things much anymore. I used to tho. Like sometimes when I met her as she was still dating that guy. I’ve never thought of it before, but me talking about myself like that, in front of his redneck bf... might’ve put her into a difficult position. She would not show disapproval in her words, but I still sensed her uneasiness with the topic. She avoided my eyes, her voice got tight and words got short. I kinda feel like she always hoped for it to be just a phase. I just got a reminder of that. In her case I would say that all the prejudice is probably based on ignorance. She’s just never seen any gays.
So now I’ll come to the encounter of ours that left me upset. We met at our parent’s house on Independence day. Sitting round the table we were talking about relationships and about finding mutual love. That’s a very common topic these days for the two of us, for she is desperately trying to find a partner. I feel that she’s hooking up with the wrong guys. They don’t seem to respect her or have a stable mind for a healthy relationship. As we discussed I started to think about a blog that I had recently skimmed through. I told her about it; how it touched me, how the two of them met and everything. Obviously she asked me 'how?' I wasn’t really thinking at that point that the story wasn’t anything close to the typical idea of a statistically normal heterosexual couple portrayed in media with a romantic date in candle light and whatnot. Too late.
I looked at the text on the blog and my eyes wandered on words that started to look wrong. “fuck buds… gay guys… a hole to fuck…” It was a mistake to bring it up with her. I tried to look up for something not so controversial to utter out loud.
“After I got out of work I drove out to his place, picked him up...” I started reading, but she said it’s prolly better for her to read it herself cause it was in English and hard to understand. I freaked out a bit cause I had decided to leave out the gay bits. I mean love is love. Feelings are universal. If she did not realize it was between men, it might be ok.
I let her take the computer and waited nervously. She started reading:
This Is my boyfriend Reid,
I uttered those words for the first time to a friend of mine last week. That night, while home alone I sobbed in bed. Part of me was scared to death of what was going to happen after I made that introduction. Part of me was crying to be so happily in love with someone and finally being able to tell someone about it.
I looked at her and she seemed calm so far. I was trying to stay casual, but at the same time prepared for her to freak out any moment
A few months ago I told you about Reid, how we met and more recently about how we were just fuck buds. Something happened.
Like I assumed; she stopped right there. “What’s a fuck bud?” she asked. I got embarrassed and laughed nervously. She understood, but didn’t seem to be bothered. “Yeah, well it started like that to them first, but it gets sweeter later,” I tried.
Most gay guys are seeking perfection in a boyfriend. Some just want a hole to fuck and don't mind jumping from guy to guy. A little after I wrote that blog post about how Reid and I were just fuck buddies he wanted to go and grab dinner.
“WHAT?” she exclaimed and was seemingly surprised that the story was actually about two men. I didn’t respond.
After I got out of work I drove out to his place, picked him up and we went to this place about 30 minutes away. We sat at a table near the bar mostly to watch a game that was on TV. After usual bullshit small talk he looked at me and fell silent.
"I think I'm in love with you." he said.
I didn't know how to respond. I knew that I really liked him. I knew that I enjoyed having sex with him. I knew that I liked being around him any chance I could. I was silent.
Our food came right after he uttered those words. You could cut the tension with the steak knife I had in front of me. Not to let the moment linger I told him that I really liked him too and didn't know how to respond right now to the L-Bomb.
After that I felt like every set of eyes in the place were judging me.
It felt like forever for her to read, but suddenly she stopped. I guess she had enough. She moved the computer aside and said “Yeah, well.. doesn’t really raise any emotions in me. It’s just like bleh.. doesn’t make me feel excited or happy for them.” I felt my heart sink because for me this blogger and his bf Reif had something very special between them. “I guess it’s because it’s some queer stuff. All the fuck buddy stuff is just no... I don’t know. I mean I have nothing against gays. It’s none of my business what happens in bedroom. But sex between two men is just as a thought a bit disgusting. For me it’s the same as thinking about having sex with a cow. It’s equally alien as a thought.”
Oh my lord.
I never knew that I could hear those words from my sister’s mouth. No wonder our country is full of bigotry against homosexuals. I mean damn.. a young woman with a rather tomboy sister, saying such bullshit. I’m sorry, but this just makes me really heated. I mean, I understand that this really is something she is not used to and is entitled to her opinion. BUT SHIIEET! Comparing gay sex to bestiality! WTF!
I was sitting there my mouth hanging open, having a nervous half-smile and eyes wide open of surprise. “Yeah.. I mean, I understand. I understand it can be a bit weird,” I replied sheepishly. In my mind I felt like screaming to her, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, WOMAN! Are you from a stone age or what?
But I see where she comes from. For me stuff like this is very normal and sweet. But for someone totally unfamiliar with gays, it must have been quite a bomb. I mean making her read something including butt sex.. perhaps not the best way to approach the issue. Way to go me!! OTL
Alright, the rest of the (in my mind sweet) story of how these two guys got together:
I told him that i wanted to talk to him but did not want to talk about it at the table. We finished up and headed outside to take a walk in a nearby park. It was getting close to dusk and ironically we stopped and sat on a set of bleachers and an empty baseball diamond. I apologized to him about not wanting to talk about "us" at the place and for my reaction to him dropping the L-bomb.
I looked into Reid's eyes and he just unloaded everything that he has wanted to say to me over the last few months. He never wanted to define anything between us because he was scared of how I would react. With our late night meetings and being covert about everything that we were doing he thought that's all I wanted. In the beginning he was fine with it because he thought I was hot and didn't want to ruin what we had.
My emotions got the best of me and everything played out like a movie. He kept talking and I moved up a row to sit directly next to him as he kept talking. At one point he stopped and looked me dead in the eyes. I leaned in and kissed him. In front of an empty baseball field I kissed my new boyfriend and felt those fireworks that everyone talks about when talking about falling in love.
I've had butterflies before and been in lust with a few guys before. This was different.
YES! Nice! I really genuinely like their relationship. In fact these few paragraphs don't give justice to it. Reading further to the more recent posts I can see how their relationship has evolved and that they're committed to build up something long lasting. I dare to say I see much more love between them than I’ve seen between my sister and any of those flings of hers. But of course she disagrees. And I respect that!
Still it makes me sad though :P It’s like a reminder that not everybody in this world are accepting. Almost forgot.. cause I’ve had such a good luck meeting people who are cool with gays.
Ok now I feel like I'm the one rubbing my gayness into her face rite now? Perhaps it’s me who should change..