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If not, prepare for a long gay rant LOL!

I know my sister is prejudiced. I’ve known this for a long time, but it still hurts.

She used to stand for the True Finns, the extremist movement against gays, immigrants and EU among other things. Her ability to swallow those values created a fence between us. Looking back now I can see that we lived already in different worlds. The values that I have for the equality and acceptance or just plainly being open-minded have nothing in common with the True Finns.. When my sister was still together with her hubby, she seemed to be against everything. Her heightened criticality was induced by this manipulative brain-washing partner. For a long time I hoped to talk to her about my feelings, but knew she wouldn't approve of them.. and I don’t want any part of myself to repulse her. If necessary, that part of myself shall be kept hidden.

Regardless these feelings of unbreakable fence, things have improved since the breakup of his bf. Now that she is free, we have started to communicate after a long break. She felt like a stranger first, but right now I feel we’ve managed to establish that long lost relationship again. Even if it’s not the same as before, we’ve become quite close again. Besides changes are to be expected. We’ve both grown up and built up our own world views and ideologies. They no longer are the ones of our parents and the odds are; they're different.

One of the issues in which we differ a lot is the relationship to gay community. I came out to her about 4 years ago. Her reaction was quite neutral, but still left me a tad puzzled. She said that it was ok to her, but because of the unfamiliarity, the thought is weird. Even if her response was mainly positive, I was still a bit sad for the small negative part. The fact that she felt uncomfortable of it in any way left me disappointed. I thought that of all the people my sister would be the most accepting one.

I have not brought up these things much anymore. I used to tho. Like sometimes when I met her as she was still dating that guy. I’ve never thought of it before, but me talking about myself like that, in front of his redneck bf... might’ve put her into a difficult position. She would not show disapproval in her words, but I still sensed her uneasiness with the topic. She avoided my eyes, her voice got tight and words got short. I kinda feel like she always hoped for it to be just a phase. I just got a reminder of that. In her case I would say that all the prejudice is probably based on ignorance. She’s just never seen any gays.

So now I’ll come to the encounter of ours that left me upset. We met at our parent’s house on Independence day. Sitting round the table we were talking about relationships and about finding mutual love. That’s a very common topic these days for the two of us, for she is desperately trying to find a partner. I feel that she’s hooking up with the wrong guys. They don’t seem to respect her or have a stable mind for a healthy relationship. As we discussed I started to think about a blog that I had recently skimmed through. I told her about it; how it touched me, how the two of them met and everything. Obviously she asked me 'how?' I wasn’t really thinking at that point that the story wasn’t anything close to the typical idea of a statistically normal heterosexual couple portrayed in media with a romantic date in candle light and whatnot. Too late.

I looked at the text on the blog and my eyes wandered on words that started to look wrong. “fuck buds… gay guys… a hole to fuck…” It was a mistake to bring it up with her. I tried to look up for something not so controversial to utter out loud.

“After I got out of work I drove out to his place, picked him up...” I started reading, but she said it’s prolly better for her to read it herself cause it was in English and hard to understand. I freaked out a bit cause I had decided to leave out the gay bits. I mean love is love. Feelings are universal. If she did not realize it was between men, it might be ok.

I let her take the computer and waited nervously. She started reading:

This Is my boyfriend Reid,

I uttered those words for the first time to a friend of mine last week. That night, while home alone I sobbed in bed. Part of me was scared to death of what was going to happen after I made that introduction. Part of me was crying to be so happily in love with someone and finally being able to tell someone about it.

I looked at her and she seemed calm so far. I was trying to stay casual, but at the same time prepared for her to freak out any moment

A few months ago I told you about Reid, how we met and more recently about how we were just fuck buds. Something happened.

Like I assumed; she stopped right there. “What’s a fuck bud?” she asked. I got embarrassed and laughed nervously. She understood, but didn’t seem to be bothered. “Yeah, well it started like that to them first, but it gets sweeter later,” I tried.

Most gay guys are seeking perfection in a boyfriend. Some just want a hole to fuck and don't mind jumping from guy to guy. A little after I wrote that blog post about how Reid and I were just fuck buddies he wanted to go and grab dinner.

“WHAT?” she exclaimed and was seemingly surprised that the story was actually about two men. I didn’t respond.

After I got out of work I drove out to his place, picked him up and we went to this place about 30 minutes away. We sat at a table near the bar mostly to watch a game that was on TV. After usual bullshit small talk he looked at me and fell silent.

"I think I'm in love with you." he said.

I didn't know how to respond. I knew that I really liked him. I knew that I enjoyed having sex with him. I knew that I liked being around him any chance I could. I was silent.

Our food came right after he uttered those words. You could cut the tension with the steak knife I had in front of me. Not to let the moment linger I told him that I really liked him too and didn't know how to respond right now to the L-Bomb.

After that I felt like every set of eyes in the place were judging me.

It felt like forever for her to read, but suddenly she stopped. I guess she had enough. She moved the computer aside and said “Yeah, well.. doesn’t really raise any emotions in me. It’s just like bleh.. doesn’t make me feel excited or happy for them.” I felt my heart sink because for me this blogger and his bf Reif had something very special between them. “I guess it’s because it’s some queer stuff. All the fuck buddy stuff is just no... I don’t know. I mean I have nothing against gays. It’s none of my business what happens in bedroom. But sex between two men is just as a thought a bit disgusting. For me it’s the same as thinking about having sex with a cow. It’s equally alien as a thought.”

Oh my lord.

I never knew that I could hear those words from my sister’s mouth. No wonder our country is full of bigotry against homosexuals. I mean damn.. a young woman with a rather tomboy sister, saying such bullshit. I’m sorry, but this just makes me really heated. I mean, I understand that this really is something she is not used to and is entitled to her opinion. BUT SHIIEET! Comparing gay sex to bestiality! WTF!
I was sitting there my mouth hanging open, having a nervous half-smile and eyes wide open of surprise. “Yeah.. I mean, I understand. I understand it can be a bit weird,” I replied sheepishly. In my mind I felt like screaming to her, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, WOMAN! Are you from a stone age or what?
But I see where she comes from. For me stuff like this is very normal and sweet. But for someone totally unfamiliar with gays, it must have been quite a bomb. I mean making her read something including butt sex.. perhaps not the best way to approach the issue. Way to go me!! OTL

Alright, the rest of the (in my mind sweet) story of how these two guys got together:

I told him that i wanted to talk to him but did not want to talk about it at the table. We finished up and headed outside to take a walk in a nearby park. It was getting close to dusk and ironically we stopped and sat on a set of bleachers and an empty baseball diamond. I apologized to him about not wanting to talk about "us" at the place and for my reaction to him dropping the L-bomb.

I looked into Reid's eyes and he just unloaded everything that he has wanted to say to me over the last few months. He never wanted to define anything between us because he was scared of how I would react. With our late night meetings and being covert about everything that we were doing he thought that's all I wanted. In the beginning he was fine with it because he thought I was hot and didn't want to ruin what we had.

My emotions got the best of me and everything played out like a movie. He kept talking and I moved up a row to sit directly next to him as he kept talking. At one point he stopped and looked me dead in the eyes. I leaned in and kissed him. In front of an empty baseball field I kissed my new boyfriend and felt those fireworks that everyone talks about when talking about falling in love.

I've had butterflies before and been in lust with a few guys before. This was different.

YES! Nice! I really genuinely like their relationship. In fact these few paragraphs don't give justice to it. Reading further to the more recent posts I can see how their relationship has evolved and that they're committed to build up something long lasting. I dare to say I see much more love between them than I’ve seen between my sister and any of those flings of hers. But of course she disagrees. And I respect that!

Still it makes me sad though :P It’s like a reminder that not everybody in this world are accepting. Almost forgot.. cause I’ve had such a good luck meeting people who are cool with gays.

Ok now I feel like I'm the one rubbing my gayness into her face rite now? Perhaps it’s me who should change..

08 May 2012 @ 09:52 pm
We have a introvert roommate in our commune and sometimes joke about her being so quiet and all. Well, today I talked with my extrovert roommate:

- I talked to day with ___ *sarcastically amazed tone*
- Wow, what was it?
- I know, weird huh? We just chatted about the summer and my allergies. She seems to be more open these days.
- She does! I've noticed the same thing. Maybe it's the spring!
- Yeah, perhaps she's decided to change.
- Yeah. I dunno.
- But she's totally become more talkative.

Later when I was at my room she went to toilet. My extrovert roommate came to me and whispered "Has she been home the whole time??!"

It's nothing too bad like we didn't diss her or say we depise her or anything, but still I feel really awkward. :P Just the fact that we're talking behind someones back.. what if she's really struggling with her introvertness. and we go talking like that. :PPP Shieet. What bothers me the most is my tone. The way we laughed at her..

I really feel bad.
Current Mood: embarrassedembarrassed
Current Music: Adam Lambert - Broken English
05 April 2012 @ 02:20 am
1 am  
5th April, 01:50 am

Sitting on my dark room. Stagnant moment when all my flatmates have fallen asleep, but I'm still awake. Even the opposite apartment, that always has a light on until 3 am, remains dark.
Finally I have time just for myself. Nobody's expecting anything. I'm just here. Alone with the ticking of my alarm clock. Feeling, thinking, sitting. Our neighbors have a similar sleeping rhythm as I do. I hear someone taking a shower while I'm brushing my teeth.
I'm finally settling down here. I had this weird nervous feeling for so long. I couldn't relax, because I thought I'd miss something. I needed to be constantly alert. When I went to bed I would go under sheets, but not feel safe. The bed was different. Hard and cold. I got myself 3 pillows and 2 blankets and nestling inside them like a baby in a womb I felt a bit better. But only time would make me feel comfortable.
I needed to know. To know where the bus 506 goes to. To know I can trust people here. To know that there is a super market that is cheaper than the local grocery store. To know that my studies are going well. To know where that road behind my house leads to. To know I can be economically independent. To know that I can do this. I know that I know and that's why I'm happy.
I just wish that I could have a certain plan for my life. I feel a bit more clear that I did couple years ago writing on my diary: "Why are we living. Every day we just go to school and aim for something better but what is that? Where is that and when?" Probably it's here and now. It's somehow difficult to understand. How could happiness be sitting here, in the dark.. in the wee hours. Can't it really get any better than this. What if I look back and think it was the best time of my life, when I was studying in Helsinki. What if I don't realize, that right now, right here, I'm living the best time of my life. Because if I did, perhaps I'd miss something that I could gain once pursuing for something better. Then again appreciating all i got now is so very important. I mean, do I need anything more than what makes me happy now? Somehow I wish I could stay in this moment forever. It's still rather carefree even if the life's gotten a lot more complicated than it used to be. I think it's constantly evolving towards something more and more complex. Depending on the course of my ambition. I could end up like my ex neighbor. A single man spending his life on smoking and sitting in front of a computer. His life seemed so damn simple and boring that I promised myself I never wanna end up like him. But how can I make my life good? Why is it so hard to think about what could make me happy? How can I ever achieve that, if I don't even know what it is?

Gotta go to sleep. I'll be working tomorrow for 7 hours. I'll be dead if gonna sit here any longer. But just a couple videos that I've liked a lot lately.

Dayumm.. BD Wong. I like him a lot. I found him watching tv series OZ. Sharing his thoughts under It gets better theme. And believe it or not.. this is really great thing to listen to while trying to fall asleep. His voice is so soothing and relaxing.

Just started to watch these clips and I like them. In this one Aku just cracked up.

This is just.. no words!

Ahh look at them : )))

Robin even younger than now. Come on, he's kinda adorable. esp the hair!

And Yunjae haha. I love this song.

Current Location: Finland
Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
Current Music: Final countdown - Robin
24 December 2011 @ 10:27 am
I just woke up. So tired. I looked outta window and saw that it was raining. I thought, oh it's one of these days and turned over.

Then I heard mom yelling in the other room "You don't care a shit. Could appreciate a little bit more.. no gifts and the christmas lights been waiting days to be put up" I thought.. oh shit. It's Christmas. Surely didn't feel like it.

Then she opens my door and says wake up. I'm so bloody tired for I was working till late the day before and after that came home to clean this shit up. I wrapped up all the presents and made gingerbread cookies and made an attempt to put those freaking lights but she refused. I almost put the tree up around midnight..

Yeah dad's not been much of a help. He's been drinking the whole week and that's getting on mom's nerves. Unfortunately it's me who's taking all the yelling. If I hadn't done anything and would stay in Helsinki.. well, we wouldn't even have this amount of a play scene to show for our grand mom of a happy holiday.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: mom yelling
11 December 2011 @ 03:16 pm
My life turned upside-down in just few months, but only in a good way. Seriously, I don't think I've been this happy for a while. Everything just seems to go so well. So here's what you missed on my life.

I got to study in Metropolia University of Applied Sciences =) And I love it. My class is the most awesome group of people. I couldn't think of studying in any other class anymore. I've gotten some new buddies. The best thing of our class is that it's in English and therefore has this vibe of internationality.

And our American teacher Leigh-Anne. :D Oh my god, I love her. Seriously, the best teacher ever. So inspiring, funny and compassionate. I'm always looking forward to her classes.

But besides school things it's all great. I like my apartment! Knowing the reputation of HOAS I really wasn't expecting much. I got my apartment 1 month after the school had started and kinda was begging for it. After having whined about my situation lacking money and home, they gave me this place from Kumpula. I was thrilled when I saw it for the first time. It was really neat and clean, the dorm had rules and the public transportations were great. There was a little mall nearby and a little pizzeria just round the corner. Still feeling happy after 3 and more months, esp for my room mates that are just fabulous.

What comes to living on my own, it's a whole lotta easier than I thought. You got more resposibility, but not too much. Freedom also, but because I had it before already, it's nothing new really. Perhaps moneywise I feel I have more freedom to actually really decide what I want to put my money into. Cleaning apartment goes pretty easily as we divide the responsibilities. I could maybe put more effort to make some good and healthy food. :D

The latest and personally one of the best things, is that I received a job! All these years I've been trying to get a job. I know it sounds ridiculous, but it's been nagging my self-confidence. Anyway, I'll be a counter lady starting January :) So excited. I'll be getting a training in few days.

Oooh and I will be seeing my old friends very soon. So so happy. I miss them like hell. Really. It's awful that I'm seeing them like thrice a year or so. Should see more often.. After all I feel that without them I wouldn't be me.

Christmas coming soon! ☆彡
Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: Kurt's turn
10 May 2011 @ 08:36 pm
I'm feeling so happy, but I can't put finger on why. I guess it's a mixture of many things.

First of all my dad is improving significantly. He's been without alcohol for.. I don't even know how many days. He looks better, he smiles more, he's more energetic. It's so weird. It's been a while I saw him like that. I don't think he really enjoys drinking, he's just can't stop because of addiction. I don't even see much withdrawals.

Also it's like the best weather ever. The sun's been shining for days, letting me tan myself while reading for the entrance exam. It's tomorrow. To be honest I haven't read enough, but I'm not worried. It's gonna be multiple choise exam so should be easy, (well if I had read the material efficiently that is). But yeah.. I'll read more for the next one.

I've been more active with friends too lately so.. maybe that's a reason too. Oh and I've been eating so much for the couple of days (dad has time to cook lol). I think I'm in a good start with gaining weight. Procrastination is a nasty thing. I should go to see a dentist, but I just can't make myself do that.

Hey I'm gonna babysit for a 5-year-old boy! For 6 hours haha. Omg. I wonder what are we gonna do?? Play with monsters? Rawrrr!!! I'm a T-rex and I have lazer eyes!!11
Current Music: SHINee - Lucifer
29 April 2011 @ 06:40 pm
The doorbell rang. I went to open. Throught the peephole I saw that it's a police officer.

I opened.
- Does ***** live here? There's no need to worry. They just found him really drunk nearby creeping in the bushes. He said he seems quite cheerful singing there and stuff, but looks like he has fallen and hit himself somewhere.

I don't think I've ever felt this humiliated. I was shaking and couldn't utter a word. There were scratches on his forehead, his hair was a mess, he could barely stand and didn't understand what was going around him. Standing there with those respectable officers he looked so pathetic.. such a mess. I can't believe it.

- Can you take him in there? Do you feel safe with that? He blew 4 permilles. I don't even know how's that possible.

Later I checked out that such an amount of alcohol can cause death. Obviously an alcoholic like him, has a bigger tolerance.

I started to cry.

- All right, we'll bring him tomorrow.

what the fuck just happened?
11 March 2011 @ 05:06 pm
September 11 attacks, 11/9.
Haiti earthquake 2010, 11/1.
Japan earthquake 2011, 11/3.
All on the 11th... strange.
I don't believe in God, but now I wish I could pray for help. I'm worried about my relatives there.
Current Location: Finland
Current Mood: worriedworried
Current Music: news
15 January 2011 @ 11:08 pm
My birthday is not far away as I'll turn 20 next week. Does it mean that I'm not a teenager anymore? That I should act accordingly? Not depend of my parents anymore? Move away asap? For the second time I'm not as excited about my birthday as I used to be. Still I'm kinda happy. I'd like to have a birthday party.. last one was 10 years ago.
It's hard to believe that it's been almost a year after the graduation. 
Current Mood: okayokay
Current Music: Pendulum - Witchcraft
04 January 2011 @ 09:49 pm
Why am I getting alien comments from people I don't know saying bunch of stuff that doesn't make sense...? :(

I applied for university of applied sciences yesterday. ^^ Social Services delivered in English in Metropolia, Laurea and Diak. I'm looking forward to entrance exams with enthuasiasm and a little bit of stress.

I'm getting payed! I love my job<3 The kids have stolen my heart and I've gained their acceptance. I can get tears in my eyes just thinking about leaving them.

I just love that shy boy who dared to hug me for the first time today. And the boisterous boy who welcomed me with "Wanna play?" the first day. I just can't even begin to think about the kindest girl in the world who tries to stay awake the nap time just to play Uno with me. And that Asian boy.. my little pansy. I can't believe that I have to say goodbye to them so soon. Ok I'm sobbing now. ;_;
Current Mood: satisfiedsatisfied
Current Music: Rihanna - Only Girl