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25 January 2015 @ 12:52 am
I've had good opportunity to find out about mom's opinions about LGBT related stuff on neutral basis because of my internship at an association that works to improve the lives of LGBT people. I made a questionnaire for LGBT-parents who've had children in previous heterosexual relationships and turned to mom for advice on how to present my findings. Needless to say, some of the content of my material caught her attention, such as the term gender queer.

At some point after having gone through many different labels and family forms and whatnot, she asked if there were any families with multiple partners. I gave her a piece of paper with a reply from someone describing their family as polyamorous. The subject seemed difficult for her, but actually the poly part wasn't the thing, but the part of the answer saying that they have multiple people in the relationship, that are all open for others as well. Open relationships are a difficult subject even for me, so I don't blame her.

Watching the series Looking and having seen from close proximity a gay friend's life, I've come to the conclusion that it's true; gay guys are promiscuous at least to some extent (don't know if much more than heteros tho). It's something that I've learned to accept, but struggle to understand. The only conclusion I can make, is that men simply are wired to have sex a lot and when two men are put together, there simply is no reason to hide the urges. Same goes with the straightforwardness on Grindr. And still, watching this Looking series, you can see them getting upset about jealousy issues, which is kind of sad. I love how honest the series is about the ups and downs, but at the same time, I wouldn't necessarily want to show it to homophobes. Trying to argue about gays not being able to commit or be good parents is hard already.

One of the closest friends called me about how she felt upset about the same-sex marriage law, because she had lived with promiscuous gays in her teenage years and did not see it as a healthy environment for children. I didn't know what to say. Her experiences don't represent the entire gay community and the families wanting children usually are a bit more tame, but the promiscuity subject leaves me a bit torn. These are some seriously tough subjects.

Another thing that left me puzzled, was something I stumbled on at reddit.com. There was a topic about gay brothers in a loving and committed relation. While the idea seemed odd, I realized that they're not hurting anyone and able to have offspring. So each their own, I guess. People do much more horrible things all the time.
16 December 2014 @ 02:37 am
Having all this time in my hands, now that the school has been wrapped up, I decided to run a little RuPaul's Drag Race marathon (seasons 5 and 6). If you can handle a little sassiness, these are both an absolute recommendation!

The 6th season was a total blast with these two characters: Adore Delano and Bianca Del Rio.

Bianca is an insult comic and seemed like such a douche first, but she grew on me throughout the season for helping the other contestants and being there for them in an unexpected way. Her quick intelligent humor got me laughing throughout the season although at times I felt he was a little over the top.

Adore I liked even before I had seen any episodes, because I've secretly been a fan of Danny Noriega (the real name of Adore) for quite many years. Although she can be a bit sloppy and a bit.. hmm should I say immature, she is still very charming.

However there's someone that I appreciate even more that those two and that's the winner of the season 5, Jinkx Monsoon. What a perfect story: the narcoleptic Jewish oddball becomes the object of insults of the other contestants. While the underdog is given shit like no other, she just keeps repeating herself "water off a ducks back" thus ignoring them all and ends up winning the whole competition.

As a sensitive individual, I was super inspired. While I would have quit the game, she kept believing in herself without quivering although at times was seemingly upset. Therefore although Jinkx may not have had the youthful beauty like Adore, she had the humbleness and compassion that many other contestants seemed to lack. Her vulnerability proved to me, that it's ok to be sensitive, but you also gotta learn to channel it in a way that you become stronger. My hero!

I wonder how much this series has opened the eyes of the general public. This sneak peak into the world of drag got me respecting these individuals and their efforts so much more! A good movie also to get into this subject, is Soldier's Girl, starring Lee Pace (Thranduil from Hobbit) as Calpernia Addams, a transgender woman. I'm not sure if she used to be drag queen too, but at least she was in the movie (and in this clip). A tragic, but beautiful film! = just my taste

20 October 2014 @ 07:25 pm


Oho! My playlist has over 10 000 views on Youtube :O

27 August 2014 @ 09:27 pm
The creation of socially constructed disabilities and the use of unreliable and invalid procedures to identify students with exceptionalities, as well as the intersection of issues of class, gender, age, language background, and geography contributes to growing concerns about the over identification of students in special education, and the persistent problem of disproportionate representation of students from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.

Wut. My brain can't comprehend anymore. Been reading for a week everyday... still about 500 pages to read. Couple days left. Help me.
26 August 2014 @ 08:55 pm

I've been struggling to find any good music lately. Maybe it's just me, but today's style is suffering from a total decadence. If one word should portray the 2010s it would be odd. I'm appalled by the saggy, messy and ugly color mixes in today's fashion or the weird music videos.. I saw Nicki Minaj's Anaconda and it felt like a cherry on the cake of today's mainstream music.

At the same time I realize that there's probably lots of quality music that I just haven't come across yet. And in these thoughts, I was ecstatic when I found ONE OK ROCK one day. Seems like kami-sama answered my prayers about combining Japan and emo. I encourage to give it a go.

Another nice song by VAMPS. I didn't know about this band, but I'm very familiar with the lead singer Hyde. I remember his band L'Arc-en-Ciel back in the day, but I like this new style better.

Current Mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
16 August 2014 @ 01:28 am

We keep hearing that all the time to the extent that nobody really cares. Until something really happens and snaps you out of it. That sort of happened to me today. I just out of the blue Googled one of the accounts I use online (I'd rather not mention which one here for obvious reasons) and suddenly realized that, while I use that account to discuss pretty shamelessly about anything and everything, there were also results that linked that account to my real name.

The problem is that while you sign up with a user name, sometimes the website asks for the real name during the signing process. It wasn't a big deal before, but now that the websites have started to display the real names instead of the user name, skeletons in your closet are not so private anymore. Therefore the Photobucket account I made years ago, suddenly appeared on Google search when Googling my name. Going to that link you could find all my pictures that I thought nobody has access to, including photos of me when I was a dweeby little emo, my r-rated yaoi drawings and it all accompanied with my full name and a passport photo.


This was next to my complete name in Photobucket

I was so embarrassed, I first deleted my name from the account, then deleted each picture one by one and finally deleted the account for good. As if that would delete them a little better. I wish there were a "delete this content from the cyber space forever" button, but there isn't. The pictures cannot be found from Photobucket anymore, but they're probably still somewhere, somehow.

If you wanna stay "private" online, you gotta be more careful theses days; keep your real name and user names strictly separate. Actually these days when websites ask for names, I give a fake name that is derived from the user name. And think hard before posting anything of you online. I posted a video of me that I can't delete since I don't have an access to that website anymore cause the logging in was from a third party website from which I deleted an account. Internet is really a crazy web. I hate that it's there, but I can only wish that my emails to the admin may reach one day.

I don't think I even realize how far the Internet surveillance has advanced in the previous years. It's not that unlikely for your future boss to check out your google searches.

Current Mood: embarrassedembarrassed
Current Music: Simon Curtis - Flesh
09 November 2013 @ 08:59 pm

Hehhee. Panic! at the disco performed on Miss Universe 2013.I finally know what my parents think about them.
I was about to shout that "Hey it's PATD! Remember the band I used to listen to when I was 16?" I didn't have a chance because both mom and dad were totally insulting his singing skills. Back then I would have gone crazy if I heard anything bad about Bden. :'D

I'm sure they didn't recognize him as my teenage dream. He has changed quite a lot. Tbh I feel his singing is kind of.. worse? He's ADHD seems to be taking over these days. I don't know what's with the squirmy moves and weird facial expressions. But I was still super excited to see them perform after such a long time.

I'm doing better now. Mostly thanks to my amazing room mate. It's good to see colors in life again. I know now that all my problems stem from depression. I know I'm not half bad. I just have difficulties to flourish at the moment. But I'm sure I will.. one day. Felt awesome in my roomie's party last night. I got to know so many awesome people and I totally felt like they were digging me :) I can't tell with words what it means to me, cause I'm really quite absorbed with the thought that people won't like me. One girl said that I seem like a totally awesome person and my roomie is so lucky to have me with her. Felt like crying cause I think I'M the lucky one here! She's my life source. I'm also in a process to see a real psychiatrist. The one before was only psychiatric nurse. Let's hope everything goes well.
05 September 2013 @ 03:25 pm
Gotta love morning buses and particularly Finnish morning buses. Everybody's so tired, they just wanna crawl into their own corner and not pay any attention to people around them. I got a bus ride to school and sat good half an hour next to my good friend and didn't realize before she got off and we were both like WTF.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about... Since this is my dustbin of any gay related feelings, I have to mention about what happened recently. While I was working as a clerk the other day, there came this girl to my cash register to pay and I had a strong feeling that she was flirting with me. This has never happened before and it took me a while to realize.

She was already looking at me from queue, giggling about something with her friend. Approaching closer she was looking at me intently while I was beeping the products. Then she comes to pay, acts all silly and smiles to me a lot. I felt all flustered and
got a strong urge to flirt back, but I didn't dare, because there were lots of clients staring at us. I was glancing at her quickly while doing my job and she was really pretty. Totally my type. She had a wavy red hair that was just long enough to reach over her chin, black rimmed fashion glasses, thick eye liner and brown eyes. She seemed a bit goofy and had a really cute giggle.

She asked me "Do I push this card here?" and tried to push the card from below. The question was really silly, cause there is no young person who doesn't know how to use these machines and it's pretty obvious that the card hole was on top of the machine. Besides, she didn't seem genuinely confused. More like trying to be funny, the way she was giggling and taking a good look at me. I was a bit dumbfound, chuckled and said 'nope, it goes there'.

I was really awkward and messed up something so that her card didn't work. I don't know why, but she got serious that moment too and stopped flirting. Then when she was leaving, she didn't take another glance. I got a bit sad and started doubting, whether I imagined everything. I tried to see if she would turn around to look back, but she didn't. The next person on the line looked at me knowingly. I wanted to hide.
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Michael Jackson - Black or White
17 June 2013 @ 08:27 pm
It's been a long time since I updated. Mainly it's because I've used other ways to express my feelings in other words private diary. That one is filled with ramblings about the past year.. and it's not light reading. It's hard to explain. I have felt pretty shitty for quite a while now. I was diagnosed with a moderate depression, but I think that's only the aftermath or whatever is lurking behind the surface. I started feeling bad a year ago.. last summer.  It started with a hairloss and feelings of exhaustion. My head started to feel heavy and I didn't feel like doing anything.

It wasn't like I'm feeling a bit down cause it's a rainy day. My thoughts got really dark and I started to have issues with myself. I didn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. I hated my looks, my abilities, about everything related to myself. I just wanted to be alone and do what was absolutely necessary. Needless to say I was not very ethusiastic about starting the school year in the autumn.

My feelings got only worse as the school slammed us with a stack of deadlines.. I started living for school. I went to school in the morning, got home in the afternoon rested a little and then start doing the school work until the small hours. Same thing, every day. I never went out or did anything fun. I got more and more exhausted by the days and started to forget meals and sleep. I was wrecking my body and I didn't even realise. I said to myself that I can't let my grades fall.. 4 or 5 at least. So it has been so far. Can't let my teachers down now. I pushed through until I collapsed during the winter break. I realised that I had forgotten what it feels like to be happy. So I got depressed.

It's hard to describe what it feels like to be depressed. It feels absurd when your ok, but it's very real when you're suffering of it yourself. So many times I got patted on the back with "Cheer up". That's like the worst thing to say. You think I didn't try? I couldn't move my body, I couldn't think. I was constantly tired and didn't get satisfaction out of anything anymore. I tried things that used to make me happy but nothing worked. Suddenly a rollercoaster felt like having a cup of coffee (well.. I know this is also part of normal growing up too heh). I couldn't feel anything except anxiety. That made everything seem pointless. I thought, if this doesn't make me happy, why am I even doing it? Slowly everything felt that way. School, friends, eating, sleeping. Slowly I got more and more delved into my dark world. At the worst moments I just wanted to crawl up in somewhere and die. I cried every day and felt desperate. I didn't resort in cutting myself. Could I say that I'm old enough to understand I would regret it some day? What kept me going, was hope. Hope that I might some day feel better. Many times my flatmate who had been depressed, told me that right now it feels endless, but you will get better. Just be patient.

I started seeing a therapist every other week. I'm not sure if it was of any help. Maybe in some way. She was very stereotypical therapist, quite old lady who had a patronizing tone of voice. I couldn't really feel comfortable with her. First it was good talking to her, but after a while I felt that our conversations started to run in circles. We constantly revolved around my childhood and relationships inside my family. I felt only worse when I left. She avoided talking about my sexuality. That was one of the most important topics which I wanted to observe. I started to feel that she could be prejudiced somehow. I was not ready to open up about something so personal with someone who I didn't trust.

I used Mirtazapin, an anti-depressant for 2 months, but that was the biggest mistake ever. That stuff made me braindead! After I had been using the stuff for about a month I was more exhausted than ever, couldn't think straight, had problems with memory, felt nauseous and dizzy, had terrible headaches, a total brainfog and suicidal thoughts. I lost my ability to function completely and in the end could barely get out of bed. I got very hot tempered (which I haven't ever been) and started fighting with my friends and family. My mom said she no longer recognizes me and told me to stop the medicine. I refused because I trusted my doctor. It was only when I fought with my friends and lost my abilities to make decisions that I realised, I have to stop the medicine.
Ever since I stopped I have been feeling slightly better.

However to this day I still haven't figured what initially cause me to feel sick. I've seen several professionals and nobody knows what's wrong with me. Now I'm having hopes up after visiting endocrinologist. I'm having blood test taken tomorrow. Right now the biggest problem is my flattened emotional life. I'm not feeling depressed / dark anymore, but I'm not happy either. The best way to describe it is merely existing because I don't enjoy my life at the current state. It's hard when people ask my how I am. Now I understand why my friend who was depressed hate it when I asked how is she. I don't want people to ask, because I don't want to tell them "Yeah I'm quite good. Just felt like killing myself yesterday. Regular, you know? =)" Pretending is the hardest part out of it all and it easily leads into avoiding people. I don't want to disturb anyone by talking about how shitty I'm feeling. I don't want to be burden for anybody.

Right now I think I might have hypothyroidism... I'm having it checked now. I pray for that. I would be an easy solution and fits to all my symptoms. However my pessimism is telling me, that I still have a long road to go in order to figure out what's wrong.
I hope my friends won't eventually leave me for whatever is going in my life right now. I feel very ashamed about it and barely talk about it to anyone.. even if it's the main things going on at the moment. I never thought that I would go through something like this. I'm hopeful that I'll be alright soon. I just need to find the right remedy and I'll be back on track.
23 March 2013 @ 05:40 pm
I danced with a girl last night. And she was hot!