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17 June 2013 @ 08:27 pm
How I really am  
It's been a long time since I updated. Mainly it's because I've used other ways to express my feelings in other words private diary. That one is filled with ramblings about the past year.. and it's not light reading. It's hard to explain. I have felt pretty shitty for quite a while now. I was diagnosed with a moderate depression, but I think that's only the aftermath or whatever is lurking behind the surface. I started feeling bad a year ago.. last summer.  It started with a hairloss and feelings of exhaustion. My head started to feel heavy and I didn't feel like doing anything.

It wasn't like I'm feeling a bit down cause it's a rainy day. My thoughts got really dark and I started to have issues with myself. I didn't feel like doing anything or going anywhere. I hated my looks, my abilities, about everything related to myself. I just wanted to be alone and do what was absolutely necessary. Needless to say I was not very ethusiastic about starting the school year in the autumn.

My feelings got only worse as the school slammed us with a stack of deadlines.. I started living for school. I went to school in the morning, got home in the afternoon rested a little and then start doing the school work until the small hours. Same thing, every day. I never went out or did anything fun. I got more and more exhausted by the days and started to forget meals and sleep. I was wrecking my body and I didn't even realise. I said to myself that I can't let my grades fall.. 4 or 5 at least. So it has been so far. Can't let my teachers down now. I pushed through until I collapsed during the winter break. I realised that I had forgotten what it feels like to be happy. So I got depressed.

It's hard to describe what it feels like to be depressed. It feels absurd when your ok, but it's very real when you're suffering of it yourself. So many times I got patted on the back with "Cheer up". That's like the worst thing to say. You think I didn't try? I couldn't move my body, I couldn't think. I was constantly tired and didn't get satisfaction out of anything anymore. I tried things that used to make me happy but nothing worked. Suddenly a rollercoaster felt like having a cup of coffee (well.. I know this is also part of normal growing up too heh). I couldn't feel anything except anxiety. That made everything seem pointless. I thought, if this doesn't make me happy, why am I even doing it? Slowly everything felt that way. School, friends, eating, sleeping. Slowly I got more and more delved into my dark world. At the worst moments I just wanted to crawl up in somewhere and die. I cried every day and felt desperate. I didn't resort in cutting myself. Could I say that I'm old enough to understand I would regret it some day? What kept me going, was hope. Hope that I might some day feel better. Many times my flatmate who had been depressed, told me that right now it feels endless, but you will get better. Just be patient.

I started seeing a therapist every other week. I'm not sure if it was of any help. Maybe in some way. She was very stereotypical therapist, quite old lady who had a patronizing tone of voice. I couldn't really feel comfortable with her. First it was good talking to her, but after a while I felt that our conversations started to run in circles. We constantly revolved around my childhood and relationships inside my family. I felt only worse when I left. She avoided talking about my sexuality. That was one of the most important topics which I wanted to observe. I started to feel that she could be prejudiced somehow. I was not ready to open up about something so personal with someone who I didn't trust.

I used Mirtazapin, an anti-depressant for 2 months, but that was the biggest mistake ever. That stuff made me braindead! After I had been using the stuff for about a month I was more exhausted than ever, couldn't think straight, had problems with memory, felt nauseous and dizzy, had terrible headaches, a total brainfog and suicidal thoughts. I lost my ability to function completely and in the end could barely get out of bed. I got very hot tempered (which I haven't ever been) and started fighting with my friends and family. My mom said she no longer recognizes me and told me to stop the medicine. I refused because I trusted my doctor. It was only when I fought with my friends and lost my abilities to make decisions that I realised, I have to stop the medicine.
Ever since I stopped I have been feeling slightly better.

However to this day I still haven't figured what initially cause me to feel sick. I've seen several professionals and nobody knows what's wrong with me. Now I'm having hopes up after visiting endocrinologist. I'm having blood test taken tomorrow. Right now the biggest problem is my flattened emotional life. I'm not feeling depressed / dark anymore, but I'm not happy either. The best way to describe it is merely existing because I don't enjoy my life at the current state. It's hard when people ask my how I am. Now I understand why my friend who was depressed hate it when I asked how is she. I don't want people to ask, because I don't want to tell them "Yeah I'm quite good. Just felt like killing myself yesterday. Regular, you know? =)" Pretending is the hardest part out of it all and it easily leads into avoiding people. I don't want to disturb anyone by talking about how shitty I'm feeling. I don't want to be burden for anybody.

Right now I think I might have hypothyroidism... I'm having it checked now. I pray for that. I would be an easy solution and fits to all my symptoms. However my pessimism is telling me, that I still have a long road to go in order to figure out what's wrong.
I hope my friends won't eventually leave me for whatever is going in my life right now. I feel very ashamed about it and barely talk about it to anyone.. even if it's the main things going on at the moment. I never thought that I would go through something like this. I'm hopeful that I'll be alright soon. I just need to find the right remedy and I'll be back on track.